So you are now in my brain...

My writing is very very personal, I don’t write for you to like it, I write it for me to survive and try to understand and if I can’t then I write to breath, to vomit my frustrations, my fears and my very own demons… If you read it I hope you enjoy but if you don’t then there’s nothing I can say…

Much love…

 I want to make your life better and love you like nobody has loved you before but there’s the other one…

That one that is always trying to get in the middle…

It is not your fault… She loves you too…

My love for you is so pure and innocent, hers… is just so obsessive, so lost in herself she cannot love you in the right way, she’s never been loved, her dad never made her feel special, her mom never believe she could grow as big as she wanted and she’s mad, she’s frustrated and for sure an unhappy woman who is like a kid inside and doesn’t know how to leave us alone… Even though trying to understand her, I can’t, she’s to evil, and she just doesn’t care how much damage she can cause… Why are still with her?

You are one of those special creation of God, you are a piece or art of him and you don’t even know it, I guess he loves that about you… He doesn’t like vanity…

Simple man who loves me in his own very personal way and who I have learn to accept the way it is and I’m happy with that, but she’s always there, in the middle…

She talks to me, she tells me things I don’t like, don’t want to hear her, knows how to make me very nervous and insecure and loves it, she doesn’t feel anything for me but she’s crazy for you…

Why can’t you just leave her?

Would she leave me alone if you were to leave her?

Would she leave me if you were to leave me?

She makes me scream, she makes me cry and feel so lonely and she laughs, sometimes so hard that it even hurts my heart, I can feel my heart getting tight and she doesn’t care, she enjoys it so much. I wish I could just be strong enough to fight her back but I’m to tires, she knows what she does, I don’t…

Ring…ring… sorry is the phone…

*Hello?

*Can I talk to the photographer Lolita?

*Yes, hello, this is me

*Oh! I’m calling you because I was looking

for a photographer and I found you through

The girls at "The pretty pussy cat store"

*Yes, I love that store and the girls are adorable…

*I’m pregnant right now, I’m almost 8 months

and would love to have some photos done…

*Have you looked at my website already?

* Yes and that’s why I call you, I love your style, it is

what I was looking for, besides you are a woman

and I think I’ll be more comfortable like that.

*hahaha, well it depends, some woman rather go to a make OBG

Like me, and most of my friends rather being with a woman, so it depends…

**(We both laugh at my silly joke)

*So if you have seen my photography when would you like to do your photos?

*Well, maybe Friday would work, I’m not sure…

*Ummmm… woops Friday doesn’t work for me

so what about Saturday, I have the studio free all day!

*Oh! That’s great and works for me…

How much is it?

(we figure it out and both happy)

*Ok, Saturday it is then, what about 10am, I love the morning light

for exterior shots?

*Perfect! 10 o’clock on Saturday what should I bring?

*Just the things you want to show in your photos but don’t worry too much

because I have great ideas for you with just fabrics…

*OK. Lolita, thanks and see you then!

*Bye..

*Bye…

Nothing better than getting a real client once in a while…

It is Saturday and I get everything I need for a pregnant lady.

The studio is looking decent enough and my lights and

camera are just waiting for her to get here…

I have very nice ideas for her…

Finally she’s here; I go to meet her outside so the dogs don’t

Bother her…

I found a very pretty woman, on her late 20’s, her belly was

perfect, I knew I could do an awesome work with her as

soon as I talked to her for about 20 minutes while doing her

make-up.

Finally we get in the studio; I could tell she was nervous,

and so was I so starting using my psychology knowledge to help

her feel comfortable and relax….

We start shooting… Very easy type of shots to warm up…

Every 5 shots I would show her what was coming from it and she

looked happy, that made me feel better but by this point, I knew that

I was a little bit wrong if not too much, she was a hard client

to work with. Got the feeling that she was in another place and not

here working with me…

She had no eye connection with the camera, the facial

expression was hard, too over posed, overall not natural…

So I tried different things until I could tell she was done.

*Do you want to stop here and see what they look like

once they are finished?

*Yes, I was just thinking I needed to go to work…

(I understood she had the day free)

*Ok, then I will edit your work and send you the photos

so you can pick the ones you want.

*Super, can’t wait to see them done…

When a client leaves after the photo shoot is like

the best part of my work, I know it might sound rude but

the reality is that people can bore me very fast

(with some very special exceptions)!

I love to be by myself, to do the part I LOVE the most about

my work which is the editing part.

Now she’s gone and I check how did I do in more detail than

when she was here… Now I’m worried…

To be honest I thought I did a better job but… ummm

I couldn’t understand, the shots were clear, clean, good light,

they were ok to work on but for some strange reason they

didn’t seem to touch me, I couldn’t feel anything, the photos were

there but felt empty…

I’m confused so I decide to start editing and figure out what was

the problem… It could be me… I do one, then a 2^{nd one and a}

^{siluette I thought it was absolutely superb…}

^{Wrong again? I should know better by now…}

^{Not long after I sent her the 3 edited photos, she writes me back}

^{telling me that that’s not what she was hoping to see…}

^{I’m not hurt… I get hurt a lot… for little simple things…}

^{*Dear, let me do some more and you’ll see more material. Don’t worry}

^{you don’t have to purchase any of them at all if you don’t want to,}

^{let me send you a couple of more photos and you’ll see…}

^{(I love to a happy client and when it doesn’t happen like that I get a}

^{weird feeling in the stomach).}

^{Again… trying to find a way to get to what she’s hoping, I try a couple}

^{of different techniques and I could like them but, well she insisted in wearing}

^{these sexy lingerie which made her look cheap, not classy at all! And then…}

^{like if I saw the light I knew what was the problem.}

^{Yes, she did like the photography I do but she’s looking at very young models}

^{who are very sexy and elegant (that’s the way I like to work) but when you try}

^{that in a beautiful pregnant lady and she goes over sexy, something about that}

^{didn’t work together for me…}

^{You can have your belly and we could have done awesome}

^{artistic photography but at the end I only got very trashy and}

^{very not my style work to work on … by then I knew I couldn’t}

^{give her what she wanted…}

^{I’m sure many photographers would do what she wants, she just}

^{found the wrong one for her…}

^{To me there are limits for such a precious time in your life, she wanted}

^{sexy, hot as fire final work but I could only see a pretty lady}

^{with a gift of God.}

^{I guess we just didn’t click…}

^08/2009

I don’t know where I’m at this point, thoughts come and go as part the movement of the clouds, sometimes even faster than the windy day we have today. Thoughts, thoughts of all kind, it has to be my ADHD, with a huge H if you know what I mean…

I feel the pressure of time. I can feel it passing by me, almost touching my skin as if caressing me with an ironic look to let me know there’s not much time for me to give what I have to whomever wants to take it…

Thoughts telling to do this, to do that, to believe in this critique or the one a friend just gave me… People can make me feel so confused… Since I was young and started in this crazy industry I never knew who wanted to be my friend for real or if they were just using me, now I know… that’s what most of them did… now I know and my thoughts make my soul hurt… I loved them all… From my heart I did…

Too many thoughts… too many people come and go in my life... You people…

Just too many thoughts, I better stop now…

by Lolita

I’m so done and tired of people with narrow minds and the disgraceful touch of culture most people have in the place I live today, yes, sorry, I’m talking about the United Estates of America…

The idea some Americans have about other cultures makes me so sick to my stomach I could just throw up while writing…

There are 2 types of ignorance that I have experienced… The ignorance of poor places in 3^rd world countries, where nobody cares to send a newspaper, the internet it’s still a matter of the “Future” for them and that Ignorance is a beautiful one, one I adore.

The other one is the one I consider so disrespectful, disgusting and incredible pathetic…

Some US born citizens have no idea, not because they don’t have the resources to learn, but because they are lazy as hell…

That lazy that if you ask them where are they from they don’t have a country name…

Let’s see, if South America were to be United, I can tell you it would have a name, it will for sure not be the “The United Estates of America II” lol…

Yes, we would have a name and it would be 1 country with the same laws in every Estate, how can it be that here each Estate has it’s own rules and laws? It doesn’t sound very united to me…

In one Estate you can get married to the same sex partner, in the other one you can’t but you have the death penalty, some others consider the use of marijuana is ok under medication but in some others is as illegal as possession of cocaine…

I remember when Bush was elected for the first time and we just had the 9-11 attack … I remember the TV adds very well…

*** Different faces repeating the same thing…

I’M AN AMERICAN…

I’M AN AMERICA…

I’M AN AMERICAN…

By then I was just starting my process to become and “American Citizen” and every time I saw those adds my heart skipped a bit…

I felt like screaming!!!!!! HEY YOU PEOPLE, I’M AN AMERICAN AS WELL… just not from North America…

So why do you think you have the right to take that word as yours, as if you were the only Americans in this world…

I came to this country for 2 reasons… met the love of my life online and wanted to offer my son a “better future”

I’m still happy for the 1^st. reason I had to come here, but not sure about the 2^nd one…

When my son got here he was 13 and went to 8^th. Grade… he knew more than the kids leaving school that same year, that’s the first time I had a red flag regarding the education in “The United Estates of America”… not for no reason in ranked in the 23^rd. place of education in the entire world…

There’s something really wrong in the system…

The intelligence service cannot even take care of a party at the white house and get uninvited guests… they could have been there to kill the president but I guess we’re not capable to take care of the White House during a party, so my question is how can we even try to protect our country?

Yes, now I’m an American but I did it for “document reasons” (you have to, there’s not other choice right?)

So now this is my country and I’m ashamed of it and so very disappointed by both parties: Republicans first and the Democrats, I’m none but gave my vote to President Obama… why? Well he told me he was going to stop the war and he was going to help the homeowners not to lose their homes… the rest I didn’t care much since both parties are pretty much the same BS…

However now they will send more troops and we are loosing our ranch, our home, the home of our animals, a place we bought dead and destroyed and rebuild with our own hands…

Then Thanksgiving comes and I don’t understand what do I have to do in the middle of this but I play the game because I have now a “North American” family, had a great time and decided to come home earlier to find the foreclosure notice on my gate…

That’s the America I wanted to be part of, the one, which does not care about their people…

What about the way the banks are managing the money the president gave them to work on the homeowner’s issues? Nope these very respectful big shots and even the employees are part of a very dangerous game, which will make you answer tons of questions at the end of your journey… You work for the MOB… you are part of it… it is what it is…

So where are you from my friend?

Are you American? lol

I’m American because I’m from Peru.

Lolita

2009

It’s time to go to bed,

Everything would be so different if you were here…

I can still feel your feet tangled to mine,

There are so many things I still feel…

It’s time to go to bed…

A cocktail of pills are the best combination

for not to think, not to remember, to forget…

Time goes by, is midnight and the pills are

Not helping…

I walk; I look at the bed and feel afraid.

Finally I go back and hug my pillow and even though

I’m telling her what I feel; my pillow does not hug me,

It’s time to go to bed…

by lolita

You mean the world to me…

You have turned my life in a dream come true,

You have saved me from a world, which was hurting me,

from a world, which was hurting

my skin, my heart, my soul, my brain,

I was so lost, so lonely…

I was dying without you…

I always thought I was never going be able to be free,

and you made it happen, you believed in me and you

loved me like I’ve never been loved before…

You mean the world to me…

You’ve teach me to believe in myself again, to love again, to smile again, you’ve giving my life back

and you allowed me to be

Just who I’m…

You mean the world to me… 

By Lolita

Copy Right 2008

I’m afraid of being capable of loving and being loved again…

Being by myself you cannot hurt me anymore, those words

which one day made me fall in love with you and then...

 you destroyed my believes, my trust.

I lost myself...

I’m afraid to believe in the words you say now, however, I miss them deeply and without wanting I keep looking for a way to forgive but I seem not to be able anymore…

Being by myself there are no words to believe in,

Lies to create or fake conversation to bring up…

Yes, I’m afraid of being alone but being with you is not an option anymore…

By Lolita

BUSCANDOTE HE TOMADO CAMINOS DESIERTOS QUE  ME HAN LLEVADO APARADEROS INCIERTOS,

A LUGARES QUE NO RECONOZCO Y DONDE USAN PALABRAS

QUE NO CONOZCO. 

BUSCÁNDOTE HE OLVIDADO MI VIDA PARA ENCONTRAR LA TUYA, HE OLVIDADO QUIEN SOY PARA

SABER QUIEN ERES. BUSCÁNDOTE EN MIS SUEÑOS, HE DESEADO DESESPERADAMENTE CONOCER TU ROSTRO,

TU MIRADA QUE AÚN NO ME MIRA Y TUS LABIOS

QUE NUNCA  ME HAN BESADO. 

BUSCÁNDOTE SOLO HE ENCONTRADO

MI  IMAGEN FRENTE A UN ESPEJO VACÍO,

SIN REFLEJO,SIN VIDA.

Today I know loving is inside us…

It is not necessary to get it back in order to love.

Today I know you can love intensely and in silence,

without you suspecting that every time you get

close to me, when you look at me, my heart beats

like a crazy raice horse…

When you tell me your things, happy ones other sad ones…

When you tell me about your newest conquests I smiled and

though how much I was loving you…

I was your faithful friend, your diary, your refuge,

a sister for you, you were never able to look at me as another girl…

I guess you’ll never know what I felt for so many years,

and if I would have told you….

I’m sure you would of laugh and tickle me

Like you always did when I said something silly…

Today I know, you’ll never know…

by Lolita

It was yesterday but in my skin it feels like it is is still happening,

it doesn't stop running around my brain like a bad movie you cannot forget...

The came and took him, they just did it...

I couldn't do anything, I deeply couldn't understand...

One side of me knew they were doing their job...

That's what they get paid for...

But he's a good soul...

He was just using drugs and with the wrong people....

Violation of probation was the warrant for his arrest...

Case... Domestic violence...

He's been good for the last month, I tried to explain them

that now he was clean and knew he was wrong...

but they had to their job....

They just took him...

Used hand caves on the back of him, for a second I couldn't breath...

I felt my heart forgetting a beat, or two...

I begged them to let the judge know he is a good soul...

My son of life...

I wish I could do more for you...

I would give my life for you to be in a different position now...

God help us...

Lolita 12/08

Mil veces me culpe de muchas cosas que hiciste que creyera,...

pasaron muchos años y llevaba un peso en la espalda que día a día me iba ahogando, y es que al ir creciendo uno se culpa mucho más de sus errores y uno se juzga con menos tolerancia...

Después de muchos años te vuelvo a ver, a intentar creer y me doy cuenta que no fui yo quien se equivoco, que cargue durante años culpas que no me pertenecían... 

Mirándome a los ojos me dijiste que mentiste para lastimarme porque yo quería dejarte, apartarme de ti...

¿cómo pudiste? 

Mil veces perdí los papeles por haber creído en tus inventos con los cuales herías sin piedad, fueron muchos años y hoy al saber la verdad, dicha por ti y mirándome como lo hiciste, puedo nacer de nuevo y pensar que soy una que no conozco porque me creí mala, hasta loca y de eso te encargaste tú.

Hoy se que no quiero volver a verte, no tenerte en nuestras vidas, sera lo mejor para nuestro hijo, para que no termine siendo un criminal como tu!

Hoy tengo que pensary nunca olvidar que me cruce contigo...

GRACIAS POR EL HIJO QUE TENGO PARODI!

AND FUCK YOU!

by lolita.